Take a look at your promised land, that deed is that gun in your hand

only five dollars. awesomest boots ever.
little cow. my favorite. she's always perched on my shoulder like a parrot. :)

Hope I do Turn Into You

I feel so very warm. The warm happy feeling that overwhelms you when you've smoked three bowls and you're listening to the yyy's at an unimagineable volume, singing your heart out with a cigarette dangling between your lips.... goodness. So overhelming! I need to go to sleep or something, my mind is unraveling at an alarming rate. I told myself "a day off" but who am I kidding? Just so happens that Danzig aka Alex aka Jas' ex wants to come over with some "field weed" and his new piece. So he shows with his hair in rasta cap and a misfits shirt with etnies and his piece all hidden in his rasta cap and hair nest. So strange. We shared two bowls among the three of us (himmejames) and watched the kittens and whatnot. Randomly conversing. He bid us farewell with a parting bowl and now I'm just like... gone. Nowhere. Something that really isn't anything, just me overanalyzing that it COULD be something, but in reality is nothing whatsoever and I'm just neurotic. What a fun entry this is turning out to be. It is my peaceoffering-makeupsex entry for all of the shitty ones I've been barfing out lately. My life. Always the more interesting on drugs, I'm afraid. Well, not afraid, but find it sometimes very true. Like, I was going through all the pictures and there was a roll of the nite Jas and I drank a whole bottle of blueberry vodka because we didn't think a shrooms connection would come through... and then it did... so we ate shrooms ON TOP OF THAT and went to Adam's, screaming in the car the entire time and singing that one song... Mickey something? But yeah, that was so wild. One of the most interesting experiences when I look back on it. And the next day, Father's day, finishing off what was left of the shrooms in the morning and going to Paris on the Platte for greens and sandwiches and then standing in the Platte river, so cold. That's really all we wanted to do. Stand in that fucking river. Legendary.

Ok I'm shaking so bad, off to bed with me.

Hechos a Mano

Life has been wonderful. Lots of bike riding and art messing. I've been sort of hanging out with that boy PJ (pablo) from work. I like him alot. I always fall in love with new friends. He took me to Derailer which is this junkyard bike garage where you can build your own bike or get help from a mechanic to fix your bike... FOR FREE! We're going back on Thursday so I can get a new fork for my Peugot and perhaps a new brake system installed. Finally I'll have my own bike to cruise the streets on instead of this frankenbike I've been using for the past month. I've been thrifting alot, trying to find a polo striped dress for my Margot costume but uh, have finally given up after about five different trips to several different stores. I finally just bought this vintage wedding dress that looks so fucking creepygorgeous and am going to be like... something, I don't know, I don't care. But it goes all the way down to the floor and buttons all the way up to my chin and all the way down my arms. SO FUCKING CREEPY. I kind of don't want to trash it so I can wear it again, but really, when will I ever have use for a vintage wedding dress anyway. James got eight rolls of film developed yesterday, spanning about a year, and it was so amazing looking at the pictures. Most of them are of me and it's just funny how much I change hairstyles and images. Despite my bad skin and strange figure, they're all quite striking. I want to go into modeling, but not just for anyone or anything. I don't want to be just another face in a magazine or on an internet page. I'd rather be in galleries, even nude photography. Gotta figure that out. I've finally decided on a tattoo. "Verte Mort" on my wrist which stands for "dead leaves" which is what the French call girls with my color of hair. VERTE MORT! It'll be simple and cheap and that's all I need right now. An initiation ink. Oh, and yesterday was the first snow. :) Very pretty. I have no idea what I'll do during winter about transportation. Today was bad enough and most of the snow has melted. My jacket, which is this long grey duster with a huge hood, got all caught in my gears and the back tire and now it's all dirty again. Eh whatever. Most everything I own is trashed so I guess I might as well just deal with it.


Uh yeah. It's hard when you haven't updated in a while to really recall and write a good entry so I'm fini' with this. Love to you.

Grape Fags

I've been reading all nite and rolling, hand rolling, small cigarettes with grape papers, inhaling lightly and letting small puffs of smoke escape before I suck them in again... like Jas used to do. I'm just in a funk today. And was yesterday. We spent yesterday with Matt, not our roommate-our connek, and Ben, the guitarist of James' band and such. Matt just got dumped by who he says is an amazing girl. "She plays the piano, she sings, she plays the piano and sings, she plays the piano and sings NAKED... oh my god..." I feel for him. I met her a few times and she was gorgeous and funny and drank alot of beer. Which is a plus. But you know, shit happens. We smoked some of his amazing skunk and James and I raced them to Las Fuentas on our bikes. I BEAT EVERYONE. Kus I'm a speeddemon or something and we had a delicious authentic mexican meal and I drank the equivalant of chai... which is like almond milk and cinnamon and something else... but of course, tons better then something you could get at Starbucks. We drove Matt back to Aurora and went thrifting with Ben. Now that I'm not all moody and PMSing, I dared to try on jeans again and found two perfect pairs my first time around. Yar... I always seem to buy secondhand Express, The Limited, Gap and whatever else you'd consider to be a semi-high class store shit. It just calls to me. And I scoff and laugh at the thought of getting this stuff for like five bucks. In your face, or something. But I started to feel out of it after the third bowl and just wanted nothing but to sleep and feel peaceful. But we were driving everyfuckingwhere, I depressed myself into a panic and fell dead asleep as soon as I got home. I hate evenings that end like that.
I opened this morning and actually got to bar today during the rush, surprise surprise. Perhaps they're becoming more confident in me as a barista, which, whatever-I don't really care as long as I get decent hours and a paycheck, but atleast I can work on improving. I did okay, still made a mess, but meh. Ryan double barred with me, my assistant manager, and he makes me smile.
Yeah....
Since then, I've been reading like crazy to keep myself from falling into this dark hole that's suddenly opened infront of me from last nite and doing okay. My head feels like hot lead, so hot it's cold. That's the only way I can accurately describe this terrible feeling. Perhaps I have a fever, I have no idea. My hair is all ratty and gnatted and I've been hunkering in James' Marley hoodie because it smells like him. He's been gone most of the nite at practice. Something always feel amiss in the house when he's not here. Things slow and a quiet dread settles in. I hate and love that I feel his presence when he gets home immediately and perk up like some addict. He makes me feel good, that's all there is to it. We've been reading together before bed, it's cute.
But this house is kind of destroying me. More so the animals. We have six kittens running around downstairs all the time, the dog annoying them and destroying things and just being a dick and the cat has become increasingly aggressive with food and will snatch things off the counter, eat all the food we set out for her AND her babies and meow at you constantly while you're eating. If you try to feed her something off your finger, expect to be bitten because she's gotten all raveanous since giving birth. There are two many beings in this damn house. We're not going to keep any kittens at all and have one more week of this madness and then we're dropping them at a shelter. I feel somewhat guilty abandoning them so soon, but seriously, none of us can handle them anymore.
This makes me second guess about vet school, but I'll just push it aside because that's an opportunity I can't pass up.
Bleh. I need some serious rest and a blood transfusion.

When my soul starts growing

I have so many tiny weird little hickies all over my neck and chest and thighs, it's pretty sexy. I also reak of coffee and cigarettes and kittens and I'm supposed to be meeting Tommy for some hookahing, but I really don't feel like driving to Aurora. How do I get out of this? I really just want James to get home so we can go on a bike ride and smoke a spliff under some bridge, watching the leaves flow by in the dirty sewer water. I talked to Jas Sunday and her rich, whiskey poisoned voice was a savior to my heart and ears. I missed you, sugarplum. This distance is so fucking annoying at times, but I see us doing big things and reuniting someday, you know it, in Europe on our stupid vespas in our stupid dream. :) I got a pretty silver sparrow case for my cigarettes and am antsy for my paycheck. I specifically asked to work Halloween because supposedly you can dress up at work and for some reason that's extremely exciting to me to be out of uniform at Starbucks, making lattes as Margot Tennebaum with my finger prosthetic and bored expression. HA! The simple shit that amuses me.

Now I'm shaking from hunger, so sorry this entry sucks.

Seasonal Complacency

It's rainy and dreary and so autumn out, I love it. We're at my parents' right now, James & I, about to feast on mangos and roasted veggies and chocolate chip muffins. It smells like the holidays and I've come down with a bit of seasonal complacency. I think I am most happy during fall & winter. Perhaps because I'm a January baby? I don't know, I just think people aren't as stuck up and in a rush around these times. There's a lot of couples taking their time in Starbucks, talking over coffee, the tips of their sneakers brushing the other's. We went thrifting with my mom and she found me this totally punk rock jacket that's button up and giraffe print? I love it. I'm going to litter it with patches and buttons like the old days. I got a poofy pink bubble hat and some "new" jeans. My mom is tinier than I am now, barely breaking 100lbs. Everything she wears looks cute on her and I hate the skinny stereotype for that, but it's true. You can get away with wearing pretty much anything with no meat on your bones. I've started rolling my own cigarettes and they taste so much better, so much nicer to smoke. Got a bunch of rolling tubes with filters already attached and a small hand-held cigarette roller that you pack full of tobacco and slide around a few times and bam, a perfect delicious cigarette. James got these champagne flavored cloves that are so dangerously delicious. Must not start the cloves up again, then I'll surely die before I'm 30. I'd like to atleast break 40? ;) This season also reminds me of James' and my tiny apartment and the way our love was back then, totally engrossed in eachother's hair it was unnerving at times. We're doing so much better and find time to touch lips longer and more often. I love it. Saturday we walked around the neighborhood and bought cake donuts, maple and blueberry and sourcream with powdered sugar, and ate them in the grass of some Elementary school. Kissing between bites and sharing. Smoking brown spliffs in the mornings and drawing more. It's nice.
So my Grandpa has offered to pay my way through Vet school, as long as I finish with flying colors and keep a fulltime job while going and as long as I got straight into my field afterwards. I'm going to accept his offer. I think this could be what I need, a nice hard shove and a hand up at the same time. I know that I won't be able to dick around because if I mess up, there's no way out of this that won't create a rift in the family. In a way, I'm apprehensive because I feel he'll hold it against me all my life. It wouldn't be a surprise if he did. But really, my parents can't afford the burden of my education any more, them both unemployed, and I sure as hell can't with my tiny paychecks. Going into debt for education is so fucking stupid so I'm going to Vet school. Eek. This time next year, I'll be a completely different girl I suppose.
Freaks me out, but if change didn't scare the shit out of you before filling you with relief, what would be the fun of putting yourself completely out there? I'm nervous, but an electric kind of hopeful nervous.

Lunacy

Good news: I'm very obviously not pregnant because bad news: I'm about to die of shock from how terrible these cramps are. I'd forgotten how bad I get them without birth control. So I'm a raving bitch this morning, screaming at everything that annoys me. My attempt at walking the dog left me sitting in the grass, crying, out of frustration and pain. AND I have to work today, a closing shift. MIDOLLLL. We tried getting my bike fixed yesterday at Salvagetti's (sp?) but the front fork is actually bent inwards severely, which we didn't know, which with one wrong bump could send it snapping and me face first into the pavement. So we can't replace that until next Wednesday. That's about $20. I need a new brake system, of course, which is another $40+. To get it fixy, I'd need about $175, but they'll strip the gears for $5 a gear, I think? So yeah, that's a shitton of money just to fix up this bike. We went pawnshopping and thrifting in hopes of finding a quick fix bike, but they were all either clunkers or in the $80-$200 range. We did come across a really sweet military mountain bike that looked like it could destroy a car. About $300, second-hand. I thought about buying a go-ped, but how stupid would I look on one of those things, damn...
So we just went thrifting for a while and every pair of pants I tried on wouldn't fit over my ass. I'm gaining weight like crazy and somedays love it, most days hate it. It's so uncomfortable gaining weight. I don't mind the extra pounds and curves because I've never been one to have them, but these pants and these cramps are not meshing well. I just want to lay in bed all day and smoke cloves, drink hot chocolate and watch the Independent Film Channel. Like I have any of those. Maybe hot chocolate. But I've been bad and stealing drags from James' cloves, which I've missed so much. We rolled a blunt last nite and smoked all of it to ourselves and smoking his cigarettes was the most I could do to keep from losing it. We went through all of our art and critiqued it. And I've been thinking about this alot lately, but I want to go back to Rocky Mountain College of Art & Design. Perhaps I could get a portfolio scholarship like last time. I don't think I'd survive vet tech school, even if it is only 8 months or whatever. But I sure as hell cannot work for Starbucks forever. I know I will snap one day in the middle of a Frapuccino rush and start chucking blenders.
I HATE FRAPUCCINOS! If you're going to come to Starbucks, get coffee or tea or something that's actually considered a bar drink. If you want a sugar packed terrible tasting cup of shit, go next door to 7-11.

Oh! I got my think tank tattoo gift certificate. $50. I think it's $50 an hour there... so perhaps I can use this to get something small somewhere. Must do some research on that. But I forsee this becoming an addiction to replace other addictions in my life and probably running me into debt. ...How much do tattoo guns run?

:/