Grape Fags

I've been reading all nite and rolling, hand rolling, small cigarettes with grape papers, inhaling lightly and letting small puffs of smoke escape before I suck them in again... like Jas used to do. I'm just in a funk today. And was yesterday. We spent yesterday with Matt, not our roommate-our connek, and Ben, the guitarist of James' band and such. Matt just got dumped by who he says is an amazing girl. "She plays the piano, she sings, she plays the piano and sings, she plays the piano and sings NAKED... oh my god..." I feel for him. I met her a few times and she was gorgeous and funny and drank alot of beer. Which is a plus. But you know, shit happens. We smoked some of his amazing skunk and James and I raced them to Las Fuentas on our bikes. I BEAT EVERYONE. Kus I'm a speeddemon or something and we had a delicious authentic mexican meal and I drank the equivalant of chai... which is like almond milk and cinnamon and something else... but of course, tons better then something you could get at Starbucks. We drove Matt back to Aurora and went thrifting with Ben. Now that I'm not all moody and PMSing, I dared to try on jeans again and found two perfect pairs my first time around. Yar... I always seem to buy secondhand Express, The Limited, Gap and whatever else you'd consider to be a semi-high class store shit. It just calls to me. And I scoff and laugh at the thought of getting this stuff for like five bucks. In your face, or something. But I started to feel out of it after the third bowl and just wanted nothing but to sleep and feel peaceful. But we were driving everyfuckingwhere, I depressed myself into a panic and fell dead asleep as soon as I got home. I hate evenings that end like that.
I opened this morning and actually got to bar today during the rush, surprise surprise. Perhaps they're becoming more confident in me as a barista, which, whatever-I don't really care as long as I get decent hours and a paycheck, but atleast I can work on improving. I did okay, still made a mess, but meh. Ryan double barred with me, my assistant manager, and he makes me smile.
Yeah....
Since then, I've been reading like crazy to keep myself from falling into this dark hole that's suddenly opened infront of me from last nite and doing okay. My head feels like hot lead, so hot it's cold. That's the only way I can accurately describe this terrible feeling. Perhaps I have a fever, I have no idea. My hair is all ratty and gnatted and I've been hunkering in James' Marley hoodie because it smells like him. He's been gone most of the nite at practice. Something always feel amiss in the house when he's not here. Things slow and a quiet dread settles in. I hate and love that I feel his presence when he gets home immediately and perk up like some addict. He makes me feel good, that's all there is to it. We've been reading together before bed, it's cute.
But this house is kind of destroying me. More so the animals. We have six kittens running around downstairs all the time, the dog annoying them and destroying things and just being a dick and the cat has become increasingly aggressive with food and will snatch things off the counter, eat all the food we set out for her AND her babies and meow at you constantly while you're eating. If you try to feed her something off your finger, expect to be bitten because she's gotten all raveanous since giving birth. There are two many beings in this damn house. We're not going to keep any kittens at all and have one more week of this madness and then we're dropping them at a shelter. I feel somewhat guilty abandoning them so soon, but seriously, none of us can handle them anymore.
This makes me second guess about vet school, but I'll just push it aside because that's an opportunity I can't pass up.
Bleh. I need some serious rest and a blood transfusion.