Seasonal Complacency

It's rainy and dreary and so autumn out, I love it. We're at my parents' right now, James & I, about to feast on mangos and roasted veggies and chocolate chip muffins. It smells like the holidays and I've come down with a bit of seasonal complacency. I think I am most happy during fall & winter. Perhaps because I'm a January baby? I don't know, I just think people aren't as stuck up and in a rush around these times. There's a lot of couples taking their time in Starbucks, talking over coffee, the tips of their sneakers brushing the other's. We went thrifting with my mom and she found me this totally punk rock jacket that's button up and giraffe print? I love it. I'm going to litter it with patches and buttons like the old days. I got a poofy pink bubble hat and some "new" jeans. My mom is tinier than I am now, barely breaking 100lbs. Everything she wears looks cute on her and I hate the skinny stereotype for that, but it's true. You can get away with wearing pretty much anything with no meat on your bones. I've started rolling my own cigarettes and they taste so much better, so much nicer to smoke. Got a bunch of rolling tubes with filters already attached and a small hand-held cigarette roller that you pack full of tobacco and slide around a few times and bam, a perfect delicious cigarette. James got these champagne flavored cloves that are so dangerously delicious. Must not start the cloves up again, then I'll surely die before I'm 30. I'd like to atleast break 40? ;) This season also reminds me of James' and my tiny apartment and the way our love was back then, totally engrossed in eachother's hair it was unnerving at times. We're doing so much better and find time to touch lips longer and more often. I love it. Saturday we walked around the neighborhood and bought cake donuts, maple and blueberry and sourcream with powdered sugar, and ate them in the grass of some Elementary school. Kissing between bites and sharing. Smoking brown spliffs in the mornings and drawing more. It's nice.
So my Grandpa has offered to pay my way through Vet school, as long as I finish with flying colors and keep a fulltime job while going and as long as I got straight into my field afterwards. I'm going to accept his offer. I think this could be what I need, a nice hard shove and a hand up at the same time. I know that I won't be able to dick around because if I mess up, there's no way out of this that won't create a rift in the family. In a way, I'm apprehensive because I feel he'll hold it against me all my life. It wouldn't be a surprise if he did. But really, my parents can't afford the burden of my education any more, them both unemployed, and I sure as hell can't with my tiny paychecks. Going into debt for education is so fucking stupid so I'm going to Vet school. Eek. This time next year, I'll be a completely different girl I suppose.
Freaks me out, but if change didn't scare the shit out of you before filling you with relief, what would be the fun of putting yourself completely out there? I'm nervous, but an electric kind of hopeful nervous.

Screw

Laundry.
My new project, unfini.

So I've been feeling queasy in the mornings and I went off birthcontrol some time ago, not exactly sure, and I know flow is late. It's nerve racking and I've been having dreams about James and I building a house on rollers in the ocean (so you can feel the tide come in), holding a small child. I told him yesterday that I think that I could be... well you know. We took the dog for a walk and talked about it. Neither of us are ready or really want to be. There'd be no way to support something like this. We talked about abortion :/ and how it's all situational. He talked about adoption. Anyway, I guess we're waiting another two weeks to see if perhaps this is just my body getting used to being without fake hormones and the like and if not... I guess we'll deal with that when we get there. Absolutely there's no way we'd keep and raise a child right now. And yeah.

Pregnancy scares. Blah.

I stayed home with Matt last nite while James was playing his show and listened to him play Pumpkins songs all nite while painting that shelf. That thing was screwed to the wall and we were drinking 40's of mexican cerveza and I screamed at the stupidity of some fucker nailing a shelf like that to a wall. But it's nowhere near finished and if I could make a living painting furniture, that'd be enough for me right now. Matt drank more than me and we ended up just talking for two hours or so. I really like Matt. Especially when he's drunk because he lets his guard down and rambles alot and you can basically ask him anything. He wants to buy a house when our lease is up. I don't even know where James and I will be come another six months, but it's chilling to think. We could be at opposite ends of the country or even the world, really. Who knows...

I've also been having lots of panic attack scares. They'll start to come on and I'll wrestle them away only to be breathless for two hours or until I just fall asleep. Stressful. I hate the feeling of not being able to get a decent breath. And all I want is for my body to just do it and get it over with, but no, it only teases me, keeping me in some kind of boundary. I really need to quit smoking already.

How long have I been ranting about this? Seriously, slap me.