Sunday Mornings

I love Sunday mornings. For some reason, the world is quieter and more at peace. I refuse to link this to the fact today is a holy day or that everyone is at worship, blah blah blah. I think Sunday mornings have just become that day of rest and regeneration, regardless if you have a religious affiliation.

This weekend has been up & down. I got my paycheck... but turns out I'm not on the $8.25 payrate like they said I might be so the check was considerably less money then I had expected. James was nice enough to let me pay him back in installments of $100 because if I gave him everything I owe him now.. I'd be penniless again. So frustrating. But yesterday I went and sold all of my skinny pants except for the first two pairs I ever bought, which are soft and worn and full of holes like I like em, and went thrifting for work clothes and the like. I'm just tired of tight pegged pants. Yeah whatever, they're cute, but they were cuter when every fucking girl wasn't walking around wearing them... or every guy for that matter. So I'm resorting back to the good ol' boot cut style and my gold flats. I'm tired of trendy fashions and being considered scene and all of that bullshit. Plus skinny pants are not the most comfortable pants in the world.

Yeah anyway, like pants really matter all that much anyway.

I had been cigarette free for two days, but the other nite James and I got ridiculously stoned and I had to cave. I couldn't stop fidgeting and and and.. excuses. We were laughing so hard we were crying and I almost peed my pants several times. I haven't laughed that hard since I was like thirteen or some shit. Good times. He and I are much better now. We talked and leveled a little about our relationship and I'm not so worried. Something we did realize is we need to start acting with our lives. I don't want to spend another year doing exactly what I'm doing now. It's depressing both of us and is also hurting our relationship. Or rather, keeping it stagnant. How can you commit yourself fully to someone if you feel you haven't fully accomplished everything in your own life? I can't feel like this failure being his wife... or whatever. It definitely destroys any desire or passion you have after a while, not having an outlet to feel accomplishment in. So, working on that. We're going to get more involved with -gasp- POLITICS and I'm mostly going to focus on art and music. I'm not ready to go back to school, I've realized. I mean, what I want to do right now is make money and save money. Which I'm doing. But I also want to express myself in other ways then journaling and the like. The hardest part is starting so once that's out of the way, things will start falling into place. (I hope)

I have this terrible personality flaw where I'll work really hard to get to one place and then stay there for forever because it's comfortable. Like I have been in this i'materriblefailuredepressedneurotic phase since moving out because moving out is a huge thing to get used to. And now that I'm used to it and went through all that shit to be here, I'm lingering with my next move because of the stress. That's bullshit and I know it which is why I can't let it go on. I don't want to die and just rot in the ground with nothing to show. Ew.

Be well.